Denial
by arthursdragon
Summary: When Merlin is wounded moments before Arthur marries Guinevere, he realizes just how much he cares for his manservant. But will he choose the duty he has to his heart, or the duty he has to Camelot? Merlin/Arthur, some Arthur/Gwen
1. Chapter 1

** Denial**

Arthur waited for his bride at the end of the aisle. She was an angel. She floated down the aisle towards him, and he couldn't keep from smiling. He glanced quickly to the side at Merlin, who smiled at him through eyes shining with tears. Most likely of joy, he thought. She drew near, and his heart fluttered in anticipation. She joined him at the altar, and they kneeled together. He smiled at her, and her at him. Then they bowed their heads as the ceremony began.

Arthur and Gwen were standing facing the priest, when suddenly a loud cry rose pierced the silence in between sermons, and frightened Arthur senseless.

"Death to the King!" Arthur turned to find a hooded man with a knife only a few feet away, and running towards him quickly. Before he could react Merlin was in front of him. The hooded man's knife drove into Merlin's chest, and Arthur heard himself scream Merlin's name. Merlin turned towards Arthur, as if for confirmation of what had just transpired, and then collapsed to the ground. The other knights quickly seized the man and dragged him away from the crowd. Arthur fell to the ground beside his loyal friend. Merlin was on the ground, bleeding profusely. Arthur felt his eyes well up with tears, and felt the presence of Gwen beside him.

"Merlin?"

Merlin was concious, but barely. Blood seeped from his wound, and onto the stone floor. He smiled at Arthur weakly. "You sure know how to throw a party."

Arthur usually would have laughed, but right now it took everything he had not to sob openly. He gave Merlin a weak smile.

"I'll be polishing your armor in no time, I know."

Arthur forced another smile. Merlin tried to laugh but instead coughed, and a little blood trickled down his mouth. He stared into Arthur's shining eyes briefly, before he fell unconcious. Trembling, Arthur picked up his friend and made his way to Gaius, determined to make Merlin live.

Arthur burst through the doors to the old man's chambers. Gaius had been unable to attend the ceremony due to several wounds that had needed constant tending. He looked up and his eyes widened at the sight of Merlin's bloody form in Arthur's arms. Arthur laid him down gently on the table. Gaius checked his pulse.

"You will save him Gaius." Arthur's broken words were not a question, but a demand.

"I will do everything in my power." Gaius, gently looked at the wound, and cringed. It wasn't good.

"No. You must save him. He saved my life. Again."

Gaoius looked up at the King. He was close to crying, tears shining in his bright blue eyes. Gwen stood behind him, her hands on his shoulders, tears rolling down her cheeks.

Gaius went to work under the watchful eye of Arthur. He did his best to stop Merlin's bleeding, and dressed his wound. There was little else to do. Merlin would most likely heal himself with magic, and if not...

Arthur looked at the old man anxiously. "Well?"

"I have dressed the wound. He must rest now. If he wakes up, he will live. If not..."

Arthur didn't want to think about the other possibility. "Merlin will wake up. Of course he will. Right, Guinevere? Otherwise, who will do my laundry and feed me breakfast, and be there for me to be cross with?"

Gwen made an effort to smile at her still-fiancee. "Of course he will."

Arthur nodded, as if to reassure himself.

Gaius felt sorry for the King. "We should move him to his own bed, he'll be more comfortable there, my lord."

Arthur nodded. "Of course."

He picked Merlin up as if he weighed no more than a feather, and placed him on his own bed. After Merlin was settled, he sat beside the younger man, and placed a hand over Merlin's.

"Don't worry, Merlin. You'll be up and shining my armor again in no time at all."

There was no answer from the boy, who was unconcious in every sense of the word. Gwen tried to speak, but Arthur abruptly cut her off.

"Gwen, darling. Would you give me a while alone with him. Just...just in case..."

Gwen nodded, and kissed Merlin's pale forehead before exiting the chamber, still wearing her wedding gown. Arthur watched her go, and then took Melrin's cool hand and pressed it to his cheek. Never before had he realized just how much Merlin meant to him. How much he... he loved him. He let himself cry, since his only witness was Merlin, who was still quite unconcious. He let the tears fall freely. He stroked Melrin's rave hair gently, and whispered affirmations both to himself and the young man. Merlin didn't stir, and Arthur would frantically check his pulse from time to time, afraid that Merlin had stopped breathing.

Though he did not wake, Merlin was alive. And while he was still unconcious, Arthur would not leave his side. Gwen, Gaius, even his knights begged him leave Merlin's side, if only just to bathe and change. He still wore his royal robes, and he had begun to grow stubble and he seemed to grow ten years older with every passing day that Merlin's sapphire eyes did not greet him. Finally, after four days, Merlin's bright blue eys opened. He rubbed his head, and then winced as he remembered what had landed him in his bed. He rubbed the unconcious sleep out of his eyes, and looked over to find the King, head slumped to one side, dozing peacefully, the begginings of a beard on his face. He was relieved that Arthur was safe. Then he remembered the assassin's untimely coming to the wedding had stop it from completion. It dawned on him with a glimmer of hope that Arthur, his Arthur wasn't married yet. He was roused from his thoughts when he saw Gaius and called for his old friend.

"Gaius!" Gaius snapped his head towards the boy and a grin spread over his face. He hurried in.

"Merlin! Thank god your alive. I was so worried we'd lost you."

Merlin smiled. "I'm not letting you get off that easily."

Then he pointed at Arthur. Gaius gave a small smile. "He's been with you ever since it happened."

Merlin felt his love for the now-ragged blonde swell in his already pained chest. He whispered lovingly to the sleeping royal.

"Faithful prat." As if awoken by the word "prat", Arthur's eyes flew open. He looked at Merlin, and a grin spread wide across his face. He threw his arms around his manservant. Merlin involuntarily yelped in pain. He wanted Arthur's arms around him forever. Arhtur let go and sat back in his chair. Gaius smiled knowingly and left the room. Arthur recovered from his outburst of affection quickly, and cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Merlin. I was worried. I'm glad you're alright."

Merlin knew what Arthur was feeling, he didn't need flowery words. He smiled.

"Thank you, sire. I am sorry my near-death ruined your wedding."

Arthur grew serious. "You didn't ruin anything. I had that man killed immediately after his apprehension."

Merlin nodded thoughtfully.

"When's the next big day?" He smiled again, trying to lighten the mood.

Arthur relaxed. "I don't know. Maybe once we can get your blood out of the carpet. You can be such a slob."

Merlin laughed. Arthur sighed. "I should go. I smell like my stables, and I look like a hairy beast. I'll be back later to check on you."

Merlin nodded again, watching his King leave with love in his eyes.

Arthur made his way back to his chamber cheerfully. Everything was alright once more. He recalled Merlin's bright and healthy smile. Then he stopped in the middle of the corridor, as if he had run headlong into a brick wall. Merlin's smile. His eyes. His hair, that beautiful raven hair. He had needed Merlin's near-death to see it. The way his heart had pounded when Merlin crumpled to the ground, his eyes wide with pain and shock. The way he had cried when he thought Merlin would never wake up. How he had stroked Merlin's hair, and kissed his hand over and over, willing him to wake up, the thought of never seeing that beautiful smile plunging into his heart like a knife. Everything suddenly fell upon him like waves crashing upon the shore. He was in love with Merlin.


	2. Fighting Fate

**Chapter 2: Fighting Fate**

Arthur sat in his chamber. He had bade a servant draw him a bath and awaited the young boy's return with the hot water. He couldn't wrap his head around it. He was in love with his manservant. Merlin, his best friend and confidant. The man he called clumsy and stupid and foolish. The man... the man he loved. This came at the worst time. He was engaged to another, and a woman at that. He had almost married her just days ago. He would be married this very second if not for the man with the knife. And now he was in love with another. He felt deep down that these feelings for Merlin had been there a long time, struggling to escape the iron chains of rules and loyalties by which they were bound. He realized with a heavy heart that what he felt for Merlin could not matter. He had promised Guinevere his heart. He had promised her a life of love, and given her ample cause to think him sincere. He had a duty to her, and to Camelot. Merlin couldn't stand in the way, no matter what he might feel. He was shaken from his thoughts as he heard the hot water being poured into his bath. He undressed and slipped into tthe steaming water with a grateful sigh. He resolved himself. He would only have to keep his distance from Merlin for a little while, and these feelings would dissipate on their own.

Merlin laid in bed for hours, anxiously awaiting the time when Arthur would return to see him. He waited for hours nd hours. The sun sank low in the sky and then dissapeared altogether. The moon now shone brightly threw his window. Gaius strolled in.

"I'm going to bed. Do you need anything?"

"Did Arthur come back? Maybe I was asleep?"

"No, I'm afraid not. Don't worry. He was just embarassed about how worried he had been. He'll be back tomorrow, i'm sure."

Gaius shut the door to Melrin's room. Merlin tried to turn on his side, but made it only a centimeter before remembering with a wince why he couldn't. He closed his eyes and wished silently that Arthur would come.

Merlin's wishes went unfulfilled. For the next two weeks of his convalesence, he never saw Arthur. He sometimes thought he saw Arthur peeking at him from outside Gaius' chambers, but he was sure he was hallucinating. His heart ached, thinking Arthur had forgotten him.

Arthur had never been more ornery than the weeks he did not speak to Merlin. He snapped at everyone. At the servants, at his knights, even at Guinevere. He went about five days without seeing Merlin. Finally he gave up and began to peek in through the door to Gaius' chambers, sometimes catching a glimpse of the raven haired boy. Unlike his predicitons, his feelings did not change, nor fade. He found himself in love even more. He cursed the day tht assassin had ever thought to come to Camelot.

Finally, Merlin was ready to go back to work. After a month of convalescing, he was once again healthy (except for a nasty scar on his chest), and was dying to go back to work. He should have been seething that Arthur didn't visit him. But, his blind love for the young man clouded his emotions, instead making him feel as though he had done something wrong.

Gwen told Arthur the news of Merlin's health cheerfully, but Arthur had a feeling of dread upon hearing it. For month he had successfully kept himself away from the boy, no matter how excruciating it was. But now, he would have to see Merlin again, look him in the eye. Never touch him, never lay a kiss upon his soft pink lips. Arthur could barely stand the thought of being in a room with Merlin without touching him. However, he would have to try. For Guinevere, and for Camelot.

Merlin put on his old gear, his red scarf adjusted just so. He ran a hand through his raven locks, and then made his way towards Arthur's room. He stopped in front of the door. A door he would usually have just walked right through with no thought. But now, he knocked. Timidly, but loudly.

"Enter."

Merlin felt his heart race. He walked into the familiar chamber, but everything felt different. Arthur looked up from his desk, and fought to keep from jumping up in surprise. He kept his tone casual;detached.

"Ah, Merlin. I heard you were well again. Could you go get me breakfast?"

Merlin felt hurt by the King's apparent careless attitude for him, and left directly. Arthur slumped in his chair. Just looking at Merlin was agony. How could he do this for the rest of his life?

Merlin returned with the breakfast tray, and Arthur sent him to do a plethera of other things that would keep him well away from the King all day. This happened every day for a week. Merlin became more and more morose, and unhappy, thinking Arthur cared nothing for him. Finally, one day, the truth came out. Arthur was about to go on a hunting trip, and Merlin was to stay behind, as he was just healed from his last injury. He had moved to help Arthur with his armor, but the young King grabbed the piece away.

"I can do it, Merlin. Thank you."

Merlin felt his heart drop a little more. "Yes, sire."

He walked towards the door, eyes brimming with tears threatening to fall.

" I can't do this anymore!" Merlin heard a crash of metal.

He turned around, an escaped tear rolling down his cheek. Arthur had thrown down his armor, and was staring at Merlin with tears of anger brewing in his furious eyes. His gaze softened, and he spoke in a broken voice.

"Damn it, I can't do it anymore." The words were practically a whisper. Merlin stared at Arthur with a mix of emotions, the capital being confusion. Arthur advanced towards Merlin aggressively. Merlin started to back away, but Arthur slowed down, and as he approached the younger man, he took Merlin's face in his hands gently, and kissed the boy on the lips. The kiss wasn't rough or harsh, it was gentle and loving. Merlin let his arms wrap around Arthur's waist. Arthur pulled away.

"Arthur?"

Arthur looked down at his feet.

"What is it?"

"The fact is, Merlin, that kiss was against everything my mind knows is right."

Merlin stroked his hair with a gentle touch. "It's okay, Arthur. I understand."

He turned to leave, when Arthur said something in a low voice.

"But it felt so good."

Merlin turned back confused, and Arthur took him in his arms and kissed him once more.

Merlin smiled into Arthur's lips. Arthur licked Merlin's lips and the younger man parted them easily. Arthur slipped his tongue into Merlin's mouth and the two men began to explore each other. Suddenly, a loud knock interrupted the two. Arthur broke the kiss, and yelled. "Who is it?"

"Sir Leon, your majesty. There is a diplomat here to see you."

Arthur sighed in annoyance. "Fine. I shall be there directly."

He pressed his forehead to Merlin's.

"I want to see you. Tonight. Meet me at my chambers when the clock strikes twelve."

Merlin nodded, and Arthur kissed him quickly before leaving the bedroom.

Merlin sat on Arthur's bed a spell before leaving, basking in his own joy. He left the chamber the happiest he had been in years.

Arthur came out of the diplomatic meeting to find Gwen there. She looked cheerful and excited. Arthur felt a pang of guilt. "Darling?"

She kissed him on the cheek. "I think we should plan the wedding for next week. What do you think?"

Arthur smiled. "I think that's perfect."

She hugged him. "I love you, Arthur Pendragon."

He wasn't smiling as he spoke into her hair. "I love you too."

She left him quite happy, planning new decorations and cakes with the cooks and party planners. He had to sit down. He couldn't abandon her. He loved her. Arthur couldn't be with Merlin. Not tonight, not ever. He would tell him so upon their meeting.

Arthur tried to find Merlin all day, but the boy's busy schedule made him untraceable to the young King. Arthur resigned to tell Merlin when he came tonight.

Anxious, Merlin stood outside Arthur's door, the last chimes of midnight striking. He raised a hand to knock, but the door opened. Arthur was still fully dressed, and looked as if he had been crying.

"Arthur?"

Arthur smiled at him and asked him to come in with a subdued tone.

Merlin sat on Arthur's bed, nervous and excited. Arthur paced back and forth, and finally stopped, and forced out the first of the painful words he had to say.

"Merlin, I dont think..."

Merlin got up and put a finger to Arthur's lips. "Arthur, I know. This is crazy. And terrible timing. But, this feels right. Us, together. It feels, right." He pressed his forehead to Arthur's. The young King was moved by the younger man's words. He placed his hands around Merlin's face.

"Merlin, I would never wish to hurt you, but I don't think..."

Merlin silenced him with a passionate kiss. Arthur placed a hand around Merlin's neck, and pulled him closer. Suddenly, he pushed the raven haired boy away. "Merlin, I can't!"

Merlin was startled. He sighed, and forced a sad smile. "I understand. It was wrong of me to want this. I'm ashamed that I would want to do this to you or Gwen."

Arthur tried to smile. "It's not your fault. I'm just as much to blame. But, I think it would be best if we stayed away from each other, until I'm married at least."

The word married hit Merlin like a rock. "Ah, yes. I think you're right."

Arthur nodded, and the two pressed their foreheads together, and interlaced their fingers briefly before Arthur pulled away.

Merlin turned to go, and Arthur watched him walk away, a feeling of despair spreading through him like a raging fire. Merlin shut the door, and walked a few feet away before sinking to the floor, dissolving into tears.

Arthur tried not to, but he could hear the other man crying. He pressed his ear ot the wooden door, wishing he could comfort Merlin. Hold him, tell him he loved him. But, he couldn't. So he sank down to the other side of the wall, and let tears of his own fall soundlessly from his bright blue eyes.


	3. The Wedding

** Chapter 3: The Wedding**

Merlin and Arthur were in their own separate hells for the next week. They passed each other in the halls, avoiding eye contact. Arthur never called on Merlin for help or work, and they never talked. People started to notice, especially Gwen. Not knowing any of the truth, she tried to get the two friends to reconcile their argument, or whatever had made them so cold to one another. The day of the second wedding approached, and Merlin sat in Gwen's chamber, planning to help her arrange her dress and hair. She smiled at him in her mirror.

"Merlin, would you mind helping Arthur today? The wedding is in only a few hours, and I know that he can't dress himself. It would be a major help."

Merlin stayed silent.

"Merlin, I know you two haven't been talking to one another, but whatever it is, you can fix it. Can you please do this, for me?"

She gave him a pouty look. He sighed. "Very well."

She smiled and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you! You're a prince!"

Merlin sighed as he walked out of the chamber. I wish.

Arthur sat in a chair facing his window. He stared out at the courtyard, in a daze. He was getting married today. To a woman he loved dearly. But, she was not his true love. He felt that deeply. He heard the door open.

"Arthur?" The voice was timid, but Arthur jumped.

Merlin.

He got up and faced the younger man.

"Gwen begged me to help you dress properly." He was holding Arthur's royal robes, which had been cleaned and were now lush and beautiful once again.

Arthur gulped. "Very well."

Merlin went to the wardrobe to get the other pieces Arthur would need. Arthur watched every move of the young man, and coudln't help but have his eyes wander to Merlin's butt every few seconds. This was pure agony. He wanted to talk. He missed that more than anything. He and Merlin used to be able to talk about anything. Now they couldn't talk at all. He could barely contain his urges to touch Merlin. He was jolted from his thoughts by Melrin dropping a golden ring on the floor. Arthur kneeled down beside him to help pick it up. Merlin grabbed it and held it out to Arthur.

"This was in your robes. From the last time." Arthur took it, their fingers brushly lightly as he did. Arthur couldn't help himself anymore. He grabbed Merlin's face and pressed his lips against the soft, moist lips of the younger man. Merlin pulled Arthur close. His fingers ran through the blonde locks that so often haunted his dreams. Merlin began to kiss Arthur's neck chest as he unbuttoned the King's loose shirt. Arthur moaned.

"Merlin. I need you." Merlin stopped kissing him, and looked him in the eyes.

"Are you sure?"

Arthur couldn't answer. He couldn't listen to anything but his heart. He pulled Merlin up and the two commenced kissing once more. Arthur pressed Merlin to him as closely as possible. His tongue explored Merlin's mouth with earnest, and the younger man could feel Arthur's erection pressing almost impatiently against his thigh. Merlin slid off Arthur's shirt, and then his own. Arthur moaned and began to undo Merlin's pants, kissing down Merlin's thighs. Merlin gasped as Arthur teasingly kissed him up and down, avoiding his throbbing erection. He laid Merlin gently on his back, and kissed him deeply. Merlin moaned. Arthur gently slid a finger into Merlin. Merlin gasped. With this sign of encouragement, Arthur slid in a second finger, causing Merlin to moan and clutch at the sheets below him. Arthur took his fingers out and got undressed.

stomach, kissing his way up and down Merlin's stomach. Arthur positioned himself with Merlin's legs raised up on his shoulders, and entered Merlin slowly and gently, both men gasping and groaning in pleasure. Arthur's whole length was inside Merlin, and he was thrusting against Merlin's prostate, hitting just the right spot so Merlin thought he wouldn't last more than a minute. He moaned loudly, and ran his nails up and down the skin of Arthur's back. Arthur thrusted slowly as he could, trying not to finish too soon, every thrust taking him closer and closer. He felt himself climaxing, barely being able to hold on any longer. He began to thrust faster. Merlin moaned, and Arthur couldn't hold on... he came inside Merlin, burying his face in the younger man's neck so no one would hear his screams of ecstacy. When he had finished, he kissed Merlin softly, and traced his way down Merlin's body with his tongue. Merlin moaned as the King took the younger man's length in his mouth, and began to suck, flitting his toungue up and down the Melrin's length. Merlin gasped and moaned, clutching at Arthur's sweaty hair.

"Arthur, I"m going to..."

He moaned, grabbing at the sheets, and clutching Arthur's hair almost painfully. "Arthur. Oh, god. Arthur, I'm going to.. I can't hold on..."

He exploded inside Arthur's mouth. He screamed out. "Arthur, I love you!"

Arthur swallowed Merlin's milky liquid, and laid next to him. Merlin had just said he loved him. Both men were sweaty and disheveled. Merlin panted heavily.

After a few minutes, Arthur had stopped breathing heavily, and had regained his level head. He couldn't believe what he had just done. He got up, and started to dress.

Merlin smiled at him from the bed. "I love looking at you."

Arthur didn't say anything, just focused on his buttons. Merlin sighed.

"What are we going to tell Gwen?"

Arthur couldn't focus, his fingers trembled as he buttoned.

"Arthur?"

Arthur snapped. "We are going to tell Gwen nothing! As far as she knows, this never happened! Same goes for me and you. I'm going to marry Gwen, and you and I will go back to the way we were. Servant and Employer."

The hurt on Merlin's face felt like a knife in the chest to Arthur. "but...I thought..."

"You thought wrong Merlin! You and I? Really? You are a servant, and a man to boot! I am the King! How could I ever be with someone like you! Ever?!"

Merlin's eyes teared up, and he roused himself from the bed quickly. He began to dress, avoiding Arthur's eyes. Arthur felt more guilt than he thought he could ever feel. He softened his voice.

"Merlin...I"

Merlin looked up, his eyes filled with tears, one already rolling down his cheek. He buttoned the last of the buttons on his shirt.

"It's okay, sire. I shan't get in your way. I understand my place in your life. If you'll excuse me, I have to help get things ready. As I am, like you said, only a servant."

Arthur closed his eyes, the guilt suffocating him. "Merlin, I didn't mean.."

"I know exactly what you meant."

He turned and left the room, slamming the door shut behind him. Arthur winced at the sound. What had he done?

Merlin stuffed things a knapsack, wiping tears from his cheeks every few minutes with ferocity. He was going back to Ealdor. He couldn't stay here and watch Arthur get married, and have children, and ...He stopped packing and sat on the bed, sobbing. He was thankful to be alone. Gaius was helping prepare everything. He curled up, feeling like his heart had been broken in two. One piece of it would remain here with Arthur, he knew that. But he had to leave. For his sake, Arthur's and Gwen's too. Arthur's harsh words had brought realization. He couldn't ruin their lives, as well as his own. He brought himself to get up off the bed, and continue packing. He could hear guests arriving and shuffling about outside the door. He had to hurry.

Arthur tried to put on his robes, but everything he did seemed to be wrong. He sat on the bed in defeat, running his fingers over the sheets, remembering the feel of Merlin's body against his own. Gwen knocked, startling Arthur out of his thoughts. She entered, wedding dress trailing behind her.

"Gwen, what are you..."

She smiled. "You've already seen me in the dress. Don't worry. Things can't get any worse than last time. Where's Merlin?"

Arthur looked down, his own guilt and shame turning his face beet red. "We had another fight."

She sat beside him and held his hand. "I'll help you get ready."

She helped him with the robes, and trimmings that went with it, but she knew something was seriously wrong. She suspected what it was, but she didn't dare let herself believe it.

As Merlin tromped through the fields, he turned to look back at Camelot, angry tears running down his face. He whispered towards the castle, it's stones almost glowing in the sun. "Goodbye, Arthur." Then he turned and kept walking.

Arthur stood at the altar, and searched for Merlin in the crowd, he wasn't there. He began to panic, and his eyes scanned frantically for any sign of the raven haired boy.

"Arthur?"

Gwen looked at him, concerned.

"Hmm?"

"Do you take this woman to be your wife?"

Arthur froze. He hadn't been paying attention. Gwen sighed. "No, he doesn't."

The whole crowd gasped. Arthur looked at Gwen with confusion.

"What's wrong?"

She smiled sadly, and whispered in his ear. "I know about you and Merlin. I know you're in love with him."

He looked at her, terrified. "How..."

"I got a feeling. You just confirmed it."

He took her hand and pressed it to his cheek. "I'm so sorry Guinevere."

She laughed sadly, a slightly bitter edge to the sound. "You can't help who you love."

She took off her crown and gave it to him. "Go find Merlin."

He watched her make her way back down the aisle, looking graceful and poised the entire way. He smiled. She was an amazing woman. He felt awful that he had used her so poorly. He gave his crown, and Gwen's crown and his cloak to Sir Leon, and ran out of the room.

Arthur arrived at Gaius' chambers breathlessly. Merlin's door was closed. He threw open the door, only to stop and stare in shock. The small wardrobe was empty, discarded items lay strewn about the floor. He turned away, and saw a note lying on Gaius' table. It was addressed to Gaius. Arthur unfolded the note with shaking hands,

Dear Gaius,

I am so sorry I didn't say goodbye to you in person. I couldn't bear to see the wedding preparations. I am so grateful for the opportunity you gave me in Camelot. You have always treated as if I was your own son and I will miss you, but I can't stay. I wish things didn't have to end this way. Please don't tell Arthur where I've gone. In fact, don't tell him I've gone at all, he may not even remember me after he is wed. Send my love to Gwen and the others.

Merlin


	4. Finding Merlin

**Chapter 4: Finding Merlin **

**A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update! School's been crazy! Read and review please!**

Arthur stood frozen on the spot. Merlin was gone. And he didn't want to be found. Not by Arthur anyways. Gaius walked into the chamber, confused.

"My lord?"

Arthur said nothing, but handed the note to Gaius. The old man scanned it carefullly, and then folded it up and set it on the table once more.

"You have to go after him. "

Arthur was close to tears. "He doesn't want me too."

Gaius put a comforting hand on Arthur's shoulder. "That was when he thought you were marrying Gwen. Merlin is a noble man, he would not want to cause you or Gwen, or anyone pain. But, if you find him, and tell him Gwen has let you go, he may come back. He loves you, sire. You two are two sides of the same coin."

Arthur looked at Gaius. "How did you know?"

"I may be old, but I am still observant." He smiled kindly.

"I would say Merlin left no more than an two hours ago, if you hurry, you may meet him on the way."

Arthur smiled. "Thank you Gaius."

He left the room quickly, going to pack his things.

Merlin had just made a fire. He sat warming his hands, and staring into the crackling sparks of yellow reminded him of Arthur's golden hair, and brought back the painful words of his beloved like sharp knives to his heart. He laid on his back, looking at the stars, not caring that the cold was sneaking up on him from the forest. He could hear the sound of a stream as he lay there. His heart ached as he lay on the damp forest floor. He so badly wanted to forget all that had happened. He cried himself to the point of exhaustion before letting himself sink into a fitful sleep.

Arthur rode out on his best stallion, Horatio. It had grown dark quickly, and he was forced to stop and rest. Once he had managed to start a small fire, he was asleep, not even noticing the smoke from another fire rising above the trees.

Merlin woke up early, and went on his way. He could reach Ealdor by the late afternoon if he moved quickly. The thought of seeing his mother eased the pain. She would take him in her arms, and hold him as he cried, passing no judgment about what had transpired. She had always been the only person he could truly and utterly trust. He moved a little quicker, every step taking him a little farther away from Camelot and a little closer ot the tender arms of his caring mother.

Arthur woke up later than he had meant to, and he ignored the growlings of his stomach and raced onward. He found the remains of a fire not too far from his own campsite. He knew this was Merlin's. He didn't know how, but he knew.

Merlin saw the friendly chimneys and hovels of Ealdor greet him, and he felt more and more relieved with every step he took. When he had reached his mother's home, he hesitated before knocking on the wooden door. His mother's friendly warm face appeared and she lit up.

"Merlin!" She took him in a deep hug. He buried his face in her hair, and unconciously, tears began to form in his eyes. She stroked his back, sensing something off with her son.

"Merlin? What's wrong?"

He sniffled and looked at her. "I...I...Arthur." He began to cry.

She led him inside, and sat him by the small fireplace. She sat in a old wooden chair beside the flames.

"Now, tell me whats happened."

Merlin divulged every word to his mother. When she heard the confession of Merlin's being in love with Arthur she wasn't surprised . Merlin had experimented with other boys before he left Ealdor. He didn't know, but she had seen him kissing another young man the night before his departure. She was more shocked later on to hear that Arthur had supposedly returned these feelings and then callously used Merlin and then thrown him aside. Arthur maybe young, but he had no right to hurt Merlin like this. She sat next to him on the ground, stroking his hair with a gentle hand.

"Merlin, I know it hurts, but you will get over him. He shouldn't have used you the way he did. I know it was hard, but I think you did the right thing leaving Camelot."

Merlin looked up at her with wet eyes. "Really?"

"Yes. All three of you deserve to be happy, and I just don't think Camelot has the ability to make you happy."

He nodded slowly. "I just can't stop thinking about him."

He stared into the flames. Hunith sighed, and placed an arm about her son's shoulders. "I know, darling, I know."

Arthur saw the village of Ealdor just as the sun had begun to set. He had to wait until night fell before he had worked up the courage to ride into the village. He tied Horatio to a tree, and asked the villagers which hovel was Hunith's, having forgotten from the last time he visited. His legs shook, and with every step his heart beat a little faster. He arrived a the the little home and knocked nervously on the door. Hunith opened the door a sliver, and peeked through, surprised to see the young King.

" King Arthur?"

"Yes, it's a pleasure to see you again, ma'am. Is Merlin here? It is urgent that I speak with him."

Hunith opened the door a little more, and Arthur could just see a little unruly black hair peeking past the edge of the door. Merlin had fallen asleep by the fire. Arthur's heart jumped at even the mere sight of a lock of his hair. Hunith gave him a dissapointed look.

"My lord, I may be out of line speaking this way to a King, but you have used my son badly. You knew full well that you would marry your bride, yet you still let my son believe you loved him just long enough for you to have your way with him, and then you threw him aside. Very badly done, my lord."

Arthur bowed his head in shame. "You're right. I hurt Merlin very badly. I'm ashamed of that fact. But, the truth is, I didn't marry my bride. I couldn't. I've come here to tell Merlin I love him, and beg his forgiveness."

Hunith looked at him skeptically. "How do I know that you won't just hurt him again?"

"I would rather kill myself than ever hurt Merlin again."

Hunith looked at Arthur's disheveled form, and the sincerity in his eyes. "I think you're telling the truth. But it's Merlin's choice whether to trust you again or not."

She beckoned him inside, and gave him a blanket to sleep on the floor.

When Merlin awoke the next morning, he was startled to find very familiar hair peeking out from underneath a blanket on the floor. His heart started to pound, and he ran from the hovel and into the open fields, hoping to get as far away from him as possible. He lost his stamina after a minute and he fell in the middle of the field, and lay there, wishing he was someone else.

Arthur had been awoken by Merlin's noise as he ran form the house. He looked for Hunith, but she was already about her daily day to day life. He opened the door and walked out into the bright morning sun. He began to walk into the fields, assuming that's where Merlin would go. As he strolled further, he saw the sun shining off Merlin's raven hair. He began to walk a little faster, dying to see Merlin's face. Unfortunately, Merlin heard him coming and jumped up. Arthur fell still. Merlin looked at him with a mixture of hate and pain.

"What are you doing here?"

Arthur opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He coughed.

"I came here to see you."

Merlin's eyes were red and tired. "I came here to get away from you. From everything. Why can't you let me heal?I can't stop loving you if you won't let me, Arthur. Go home to your wife. I'm not coming back to Camelot."

"Merlin, I didn't marry Guinevere."

Merlin stared at him. "Why?"

"She knew I was in love with someone else." He looked at Merlin longingly across the fifteen feet that now separated them.

Merlin didn't move. "I don't believe you. You never loved me. You thought you did, and you convinced me you did so you could experiment. You decided you didn't love me, so you threw me aside. That was your choice to make. But do me a favor now and go home. Don't try to clear your conscience. It's fine. I know you don't love me now."

Arthur reached a hand towards the boy, even thought he was far away. "That's not true, Merlin. I love you more than anything."

Merlin closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I wish more than anything I could believe that. But, I can't be angry with you for lying. I might as well say it now, I have nothing to lose. I'm a warlock. I have magic. There, now you can leave witha clear conscience."

Arthur didn't know how to react to this. It was being hit with a rock.

He whispered. "Magic?"

Merlin's eyes flashed and the grass surrounding him went up in flames, and then put itself out in less than ten seconds. The grass hadn't even been singed. Arthur just stood still, his heart pounding and his eyes wide. He didn't know if he was angry or not. Knowing Merlin had hurt him by keeping this from him should have changed the way he felt but it didn't. And, after all, hadn't what he did done just as much damage?

"I don't care."

Merlin frowned. "You don't care that I lied to you?"

Arthur stood defiantly. "I don't care. I still love you. And I'll prove it to you. I'm not leaving unless you leave with me."

Merlin was touched by Arthur's reaction, almost enough to forgive him completely. He so badly wanted to touch Arthur again, feel his warm lips and his silky hair. But he stood firm.

"You can stay as long you want, but I can't come back with you."

With that he turned and took a wide birth around Arthur, heading back to the village.

Arthur stared after him, the warm morining breeze ruffling his golden hair.

He whispered after the raven haired man. "I will prove it to you."


End file.
